Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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