dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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