i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She tied me up with her honor cords...
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I just blew my weed a kiss
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
