she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
