you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
