Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize