mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
