i need an iv and a liver transplant
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
