I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
