God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
