please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
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