you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
