I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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