i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
