Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
