So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
