Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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