does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
