The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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