Yo dont text me then not text me
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
