??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
So much rum. So many feels.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
