Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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