maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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