You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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