your thong is hanging out like whoa
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
