Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
