she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
