my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize