dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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