Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
