we're chasing vodka with high fives
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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