Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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