Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
