when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
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