so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
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