i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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