His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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