The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
