walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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