god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and she was petting her beer can
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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