I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
