the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
