You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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