if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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