gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
