Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
vagina is talking i cant
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
