this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
worst night to have a conscience
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
