After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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