I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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