The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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