I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
