I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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