I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
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You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
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