You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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